I don’t consider it a real holiday unless a corporation has found a way to brand it.

Halloween has come a long way since it’s inception. With its origins in the ancient pagan tradition of asking your neighbors for food, it is now celebrated by children across the nation as the one night they can take candy from strangers. But whether you’re a child looking for a sugar rush or an adult celebrating a pop culture icon by dressing up as a sexy version of it, here are a few tips to keep your Halloween super spooky.

• Reflective tape is a great way to make sure drivers can see you on Halloween night, but it isn’t very scary. Carrying an open flame is the best way to increase visibility while maintaining fright.
• Trunk or Treating is a safe and easy way to take all the fun out of Halloween.
• If someone gives you a pamphlet instead of candy, you are legally required to report them for suspicious activity.
• Ghost hunting expeditions are very popular this time of year, but the market is filled with charlatans. To avoid getting ripped off, ask to see their containment unit before you pay.
• Holding a pumpkin in your lap and carving it with a kitchen knife is a great way to teach your children how to dial 911.
• To avoid getting screwed out of the good treats when your parents check your candy, ask to hold their wallet in escrow.
• Run out of candy early? Most medications make a quick and easy aesthetic substitute. It’s a great way to recycle those old pills!
• Want to build a truly terrifying haunted house? Make guests turn in their phones before entering, then show them to a sparsely appointed room and force them to make conversation with one another.
• Handing out kale to trick or treaters is a great way to combat childhood obesity. Kids are sure to throw their food at your house for at least a week.
•  Too old for trick or treating? You can just as easily dress up a baby doll in a cheap outfit and say it’s sleeping. It’s essentially what the people with real babies are doing anyway.
• Historically, October 31st offers the best price you can get on having four Ninja Turtles cover your neighbor’s house in Angel Soft.
• The Monster Mash is still illegal in 37 states. Even in states where it is permitted, you should still consult local statutes to determine the age of consent.
• Though you may have gotten used to it over the previous month, as of November 1st, if you want to wear a cape you’d better have a great reason.

Run out of both candy and pills? You can always hand out copies of my book (or to cut down on shipping time, Kindles pre-loaded with it).