Though you can’t tell here, this 1989 Mercury Topaz had 13 exhaust pipes (1 of them real!) and spinning hub caps. I miss it dearly.
I just took out a multi-thousand dollar bet that my lungs won’t give out in the next 5 years. I bought a car. Continue reading
This has nothing to do with this post, I just like pictures of my insides.
Instead of writing about how shitty my lungs are, I thought I’d write about writing about how shitty my lungs are. Think of it like one of those crappy EPK-style features they used to put on DVDs. If you’ve ever wanted to know how many words were in the first draft of my book, today’s your lucky day. Continue reading
This USB cable is the best black arm tassel I could find on short notice.
I, like most kids who attended grade school in the early 90s, have already had to deal with the death of the Ultimate Warrior on more than one occasion. Unfortunately, this time no amount of knowledge cribbed from the newsprint wrestling magazines at the local drug store will silence that smartass from down the street who thinks he knows everything. Because finally his time has come. That little smartass is right—the Ultimate Warrior died. Continue reading
This is the Holy Grail of moves for frail children.
I remember my first Gorilla Press Slam.
I also applied at the C + C Music Factory, but didn’t pass the sweat test.
In my early 20s, I had a lot of insurance problems. That means I got a lot of advice that boiled down to “You should get a job with insurance.” After hearing enough of this, I started to wonder if everyone was right and I was just lazy, so I picked up a 9 to 5 at the local factory. I’m pretty sure I signed something prohibiting me from saying what factory it was, but it was a popular chip manufacturer. Continue reading
Not the actual window.
There’s about a two hour window before I start thinking everything is bullshit. Continue reading
I saw my first concert in 1990, when my dad took me to see the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles play a white-hot set at the local Sub Base. That show was so good, that I didn’t have an inkling to see another concert until 6 years later, when I begged my mom to take me to see KISS at the Hartford Civic Center. Continue reading
Thanks to CF, this is as big as I get when I hulk out.
I am a firm believer that there is a time when anger can be incredibly useful. This is not one of those times. Continue reading
Over the past week, my area has seen a lot of cold, miserable weather. And over the past few days–with appointments, work and general chicanery–I haven’t seen a lot of sleep. Also, my lungs feel like they’ve been building a collection of that thick run-off that gets left on the plate when you have ice cream cake. Though there’s a chance that they’re slowly building me an apology ice cream cake, I don’t know how they are going to deliver it, because nothing is moving down there. Continue reading
Still the greatest vacation I’ve ever taken.
Hi, my name is Jay and I have Cystic Fibrosis. A lot of you are reading this because you saw my article on Cracked.com today, so I thought it might be nice to weed through some of the bullshit here and put my best foot forward.
If you’re interested in hearing more about CF, you may want to check out this video I made:
If you don’t give two shits about CF, perhaps I can interest you in this video of me eating a steak from the dollar store:
Don’t have time for that? Here’s a 14 second jingle about Arby’s:
If you don’t feel like watching videos, you can always read about the time a large man at Hometown Buffet threatened to stab me with a sword:
https://canteatcantbreathe.com/2013/08/07/how-hometown-buffet-compares-to-having-a-disease/
Or, if you find yourself wondering if I was an asshole when I was in 3rd grade, you can find your answer in this old journals I dug up:
https://canteatcantbreathe.com/2013/10/04/the-more-things-change/
https://canteatcantbreathe.com/2013/10/11/the-more-things-change-part-ii/
Of course, I would really appreciate it if you bought my book, but if you’re not feeling it, there’s plenty of free stuff for you to enjoy here.