Category Archives: Videos

The All Hallow’s Evil All Hallows’ Eve Spooktacular

A man with horns plays a very nice multiscale guitar in front of some $4 "creepy cloth" he bought from Wal-Mart
The budget for this thing was like $200. You know how much this would have cost 10 years ago? At least $30,000.

This starts with a “back in my day…”, but it’s not about how things were better back in my day, so adjust your expectations accordingly.

Back in my day, before personalized entertainment was delivered straight to your pocket 24/7, there were two choices for amusement: watch tv or try to beat the third level in Battletoads. Going outside was also technically an option, but nothing good has ever happened outside, so why bother?

When one’s thumb could no longer withstand the unforgiving plastic of the NES d-pad, one was left to ride the waves of whatever programs were cheap enough to fill the hours between the shows people actually wanted to watch. You know how there are now so many good-to-great tv shows that it just reinforces that the hours left for you on this mortal coil are a rounding error in the actual history of the universe? Wasn’t like that back in my day. There were 3 shows worth watching and in between those 3 shows was a wasteland of things that people would watch just to see something move on that damn screen.

Back in my day, the content well was dry. New movies were not a click away, we had to walk/drive to a damn store and rent an actual tape. So I often just watched whatever was on tv. And thanks to that, I’ve developed a nostalgia for insignificant things that happened before I was born. So in that spirit, I made a Halloween special designed to pay tribute to the hours I wasted watching 70s television in the late 80s/early 90s.

The prime mover on this was the Paul Lynde Halloween Special, which was on Amazon Prime sometime over the summer. It’s from 1976 and is almost painful to watch, but it has KISS lip syncing some tracks from Destroyer and so I’ve seen it more times than I should admit to.

I actually saw KISS earlier this summer and though they do slightly less lip syncing than they did on the Paul Lynde special, it was enough that the idea of doing a one man performance with a backing track seemed less ridiculous to me than it probably should have. All Hallow’s Evil has always used a backing track for drums, but back in the day there were 2-3 of us on stage, so at least all the guitars were live. I always felt that was important, but from what I’m seeing out there, it’s not as important as it used to be.

All Hallow’s Evil didn’t play live a lot, but when we did, we recorded it. On at least two occasions, we were also pretty good! Unfortunately, all of our live performances were from a time before digital video was a big thing, so they’re all trapped on Hi-8 video cassettes and saving them from oblivion requires both knowing where they are and having the means to play them back into a computer. I’d love to see them again if only to find out if we were indeed as good as I thought we were, but in the meantime, I wanted to find out if I’m still as good as I thought I was.

There was some question about that, because when I was 22, youthful exuberance could power me past my limitations–I can’t breathe, dammit!–but I’m 36 and tired now, so the light very well could have died. However, I’m happy to report that I am still one of the great unsung performers of my generation.

It’s on Amazon Prime Video now, so hopefully people accidentally stumble upon it as they search for Peanuts or something like that. You can also enjoy it on YouTube, where it is only two clicks away from some truly heinous shit.*

*One thing that was better back in my day: you could watch random programs without fear that some math problem would eventually start serving you up some Nazi propaganda. 

Such a beautiful display

An Open Letter to NBC about Olympic Coverage

Considering all the hype about the conditions surrounding this year’s games, it’s ironic that Olympic fever is hard to catch this year. Time delays, shoddy editing, and apps that barely work are taking a lot of the joy out of the spirit of competition. And then there’s the commentary. Even with 7 commercial breaks per half hour and random outages, you should still at least pretend someone is watching.

Look, I don’t like to criticize unless I have a solution to offer, so I’d encourage everyone/anyone at NBC to hit play on the below video of me doing commentary over the iOS gaming sensation Justin Smith’s Realistic Summer Sports Simulator and book me a flight to Rio immediately.

I’m going to need bottled water though.

 

A PSA for Cystic Fibrosis Awareness Month

May is Cystic Fibrosis Awareness Month. I don’t actually say that in the following video, because I don’t want to constrain Cystic Fibrosis Awareness to just one month; every month should be Cystic Fibrosis awareness month.

In any case, I feel like the angry swearing thing has taken me as far as it’s going to go, so here’s a positive video about how I’m not letting Cystic Fibrosis stop me from living life to the fullest.

Genetic Decree – A Death Metal Song About Cystic Fibrosis (video)

Most songs about disease don’t reflect the experience of the disease. Instead, they’re packed full of maudlin sentiments designed to drop a tear from your eye on the car ride home from the supermarket. I can’t speak for all diseases, but neither one of mine came with a soaring string section.

Sure, there’s a bittersweet beauty to the frailty of life, but in an age where people cry at beer commercials, that button is too easy to push. It’s time for a new approach.

Cystic Fibrosis makes it possible to drown in your own mucus. If you get sick enough, they harvest lungs from the dead to replace yours. Cystic Fibrosis is brutal. It requires brutal music.

So, here’s a death metal song I wrote about CF (technically, it’s blackened death thrash, but let’s not split hairs here). Even if you don’t like Death Metal, you should watch the video, because I made a lot of people—Producer and Arbiter of Taste Bekka Wrynn, Director Walter Forbes and Script Doctor/Key Grip Thomas Forbes—work on it for nothing but pizza rolls. Plus, you can see me stab myself!

You can download the track at https://allhallowsevil.bandcamp.com/track/genetic-decree. It’s a pay what you want download. Anything you can throw in the hat would really help out.

Here’s a Chapter from My Audiobook

This is chapter 2–“Hi, My Name is Jay and I Have Cystic Fibrosis.”–of the audiobook version of Can’t Eat, Can’t Breathe and Other Ways Cystic Fibrosis Has F#$%*d Me. I would’ve posted chapter 1, but it turns out that I don’t mention Cystic Fibrosis in it.

If you enjoy this bit, feel free to pick up the rest of it here.

Video: Ghosts in the Milk: A Review of Halloween Crunch

I took the money I would’ve spent on candy and decorations (for the record, $23.57) and shot this review of Halloween Crunch instead. If you like it, please share it/hand out links to trick or treaters.

If you really like it, don’t forget to pick up a copy of my book. There’s a chapter on Frankenstein, so it also makes a great item for trick or treaters. Full text of the review after the jump. Continue reading

Video: Lord of the Jingle #2

I didn’t get any corporate interest from the last set of jingles, but I won’t let that stop me from trying again. If you like any of these (or any of the previous jingles), it’d be a great help if you could tweet/Facebook them at the companies in question. I know I will!

Here’s a song about Denny’s:

 

Here’s one about Smucker’s:

 

And here’s one about No Yolk Egg Noodles:

 

Video: The Pros and Cons of the Dollar Tree Steak

I am not one of those people that has money, so I’m always looking for a bargain. I’m also looking to shove as many calories in my face as possible. These two factors lead me on a journey to the local dollar tree, where I happened upon their frozen rib eye steak. Being an open minded individual, I couldn’t wait to give it a shot. Did I stumble on a delicious hidden secret?

Spoiler alert: no, I didn’t.

Video: Lord of the Jingle

When embarking on any creative endeavor, everyone hopes their work will stand the test of time. You want to feel that years from onset of whatever you created, people will celebrate it, remember it and talk about it with their friends.

For something to stand the test of time like that is rare, particularly now that anyone can smash together a bunch of ones and zeroes and take a stab at relevance. How many of you reading this had a MySpace music page? I know I did. I also know that I never managed to turn that into any long term cultural relevance. Continue reading