Halfway through my failed attempt to eat the Burger King Halloween Whopper into a bat symbol.

When I was 5 or one of those other dumbass ages when you do dumbass things, I had a two day obsession with cranberry juice. Part of it was that I was at my dad’s house and cranberry juice was the only thing that didn’t taste like bullshit, but most of it was because on my second glass, my father’s roommate said “Wow, you’re going to pee red if you keep that up.”

I kept going for two goddamn days didn’t see so much as a darker yellow. Continue reading →