At the end of my book, I transcribed the food diary I wrote when I was first diagnosed with diabetes. I find things like that fascinating, because you can’t run from a journal. It’s “of the moment”, with very little distance or reflection to get in the way. I may try to tell you that I was great at changing my diet, but the food diary tells a different story.

When my Mom told me she had dug up a couple of school journals from 3rd grade, I was excited to look back and see what’s changed. The answer, unfortunately, was not much. Here are some of my favorite entries, reproduced exactly as they appear in the journal. I’ve also included the teacher’s responses (also reproduced as written) and—where appropriate—commentary from 30 year old me.

9-12-91
Homework: why do we do it at home? Why dont do it at school? Now when I say this I speak for kids around the world. Homework stinks.

Teacher: I afraid- not everyone agrees with you. Some kids actually like homework!

In response to this, I drew a crazy face.

Teacher: You do school work in school and homework at home. Why do you think teachers give homework? Be honest!

Because we don’t have time to do it in school.

Teacher: Guess again!

You can talk all you want about reinforcing skills, it doesn’t change the fact that most of my homework got done on the bus ride into school.

9-16-91
Fri. I got a new monint bike. I rode for two hours (with one mintie brack.)
sat. I went to the arcade and rented Home alone.
sun. I saw Terminator 2 for my third time! good movie have you seen it?

Teacher: Yes – but I only saw it once. I would like to see it again. I haven’t seen Home Alone. Is it good?

Home Alone is very good.

Teacher: I finally saw Home Alone! We rented the video. I liked it!

It’s like I wasn’t even trying to spell “mountain.” Also, I’m pretty sure I didn’t see Home Alone again for 18 years, when my friends Bonnie and Darcy had a holiday party and the festivities included forcing me to watch a VHS copy of Home Alone on an 18 inch television. I was not amused.

9/23/91
This past weekend I went to the hollween shop.

Teacher: Do you get anything?

Yes, silver make-up, and a uzi. (I going to be the termintor)

Teacher: Oh boy!

If an 8 year old wrote an entry like this today, it would definitely earn a call home to the parents.

9/30/91
Famous happenins:
On the forth of July (some time after Gorge Washentin was born) The Decleraon of indapanece was sind.

Teacher: Can you tell me the year?

1878

Teacher: Are you sure?

No, Wild guess.

Teacher: Guess again!

1900?

Here’s something it took me years to learn: if you insist on trying to impress someone with your knowledge, make sure you actually know something.

10/3/91
Last nite I got a BETTER T2 costem It has the left side of the endoskelatoin face, a red eye that lihgt’s up, make-up Fake skin to put on the mask (To revle torn places) But I can’t see out of my left eye. And this weekend I’m getting a big gun.

Teacher: Wow! You sound prepared! I don’t even know what I’m going to be yet!

My spelling on “endoskeleton” started off strong, but I couldn’t make that final push.

10/8/91
how was the world made? did a nucluer bom exblode and it was there. Did Aliens mold it? Did people live on mars? But if it wasn’t here I wouldn’t be here etherer

Teacher: That’s a good question! I’m not sure a nuclear bomb is one of the theories.

I think it’s interesting that even at 8 years old, I completely disregarded the Book of Genesis.

10/17/91
Yesterday I got my picter taken with a loin cub at Norwitch town mall. And they had a python; tiger, elphant, and a pony. Maybe I can bring the picter in Tomarow.

Teacher: I would love to see the picture!

I wonder if I wrote “loin cub” just so I would read it 22 years later and laugh my ass off.

10/21/91
Yesterday I went Waterford cinema 8 and I saw “Suburun Comdo” Starring: Hulk Hogon, Christopher Loyyd. I give it five stars (highest). If you haven’t seen it see it.

Teacher: I haven’t seen it. To be honest – it’s not my kind of movie.

That teacher was lucky my gangly little legs were not capable of much of a drop, because talking about Suburban Commando like that is pretty much the same thing as ordering yourself a Big Boot into a Leg Drop of Doom.

10/29/91
Yeterday I wnet to ames and got a Nintendo game called: “Silver Surfer.” He’s a marvel comic book cariter. He’s silver he has silver surfboad and he can fly. I can’t get out of the first level but I’ll try when I get home.

Teacher: What do you have to do to get out of the first level?

I don’t know

22 years later and I still haven’t made it out of the first level. Fuck that game.

10/30/91
Today at 4:00 I’m getting Robin Hood: Prince of Thives. I’ve already seen it twice but I’d rather own it. Its 144 minets long. It stars Kevin Cosner, Chrischin Slater. I can’t wait.

Teacher: I saw this movie. I thought it was great!

I’m only including this because it reminds me that one time I made my father go to three different grocery stores to track down the Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves cereal. I felt bad that I never finished that box, but the “cereal” was just garlic croutons shaped like arrows.

There are a few more entries I’m going to write up later, including a review of a WWF house show and a Wayne’s World-inspired callback. Also, I do a lot more trash talking in the later entries. There’s nothing like an 8 year old who talks shit.