It's the sesame seeds that really make it.

Burger King’s Halloween Whopper: Crappin’ Magic

It's the sesame seeds that really make it.

Halfway through my failed attempt to eat the Burger King Halloween Whopper into a bat symbol.

When I was 5 or one of those other dumbass ages when you do dumbass things, I had a two day obsession with cranberry juice. Part of it was that I was at my dad’s house and cranberry juice was the only thing that didn’t taste like bullshit, but most of it was because on my second glass, my father’s roommate said “Wow, you’re going to pee red if you keep that up.”

I kept going for two goddamn days didn’t see so much as a darker yellow. Continue reading

I Approve of Orkambi, But Not of the Price

Orkambi—the new Cystic Fibrosis drug from Vertex Pharmaceuticals—just received FDA approval. I was hoping that it would, because it’s a fine drug. That’s my review of it: it’s fine. It does some things very well—my lung function is currently hovering around 77%, which matches my adulthood high from 2009—while other things—my digestion, diabetes and sinuses—haven’t responded as positively. If you’d like, I wrote a whole bunch of words about my experience here, here and here. Most of that still applies, though I’ve since switched digestive enzymes and added a long acting insulin to my routine, both of which have been positive changes. With my new enzymes, I’m able to get away with around 240,000 units of lipase per meal, which is down from the all-time high I hit during the study—300,000, a number that’s probably unsafe–but still above my pre-study number of 200,000 units. Continue reading

A PSA for Cystic Fibrosis Awareness Month

May is Cystic Fibrosis Awareness Month. I don’t actually say that in the following video, because I don’t want to constrain Cystic Fibrosis Awareness to just one month; every month should be Cystic Fibrosis awareness month.

In any case, I feel like the angry swearing thing has taken me as far as it’s going to go, so here’s a positive video about how I’m not letting Cystic Fibrosis stop me from living life to the fullest.

On All the Things I’ve Wished I Was

This is pretty much how I see myself in the mirror.

This is pretty much how I see myself in the mirror.

The first inkling of an idea is intoxicating, filled with the promise that this is going to be the idea that changes everything. At that moment, the goal is right in reach and every door is open; this could lead anywhere. But the cold light of day moves the goal line somewhere over the horizon and forces you to pick a door. That door leads to more doors and you don’t always get to go back the way you came. Doors turn into walls and possibilities die. That’s why so many projects remain unfinished—it’s much easier to deal with what they should be rather than what they could be. The ones that do get finished are often hated for what they’re not, until a little distance proves them to be “fine.” Continue reading

In Response to National Library Week


Though it's nowhere near my favorite Friday the 13th movie, thanks to a family member's cable descrambler, it's the one I've seen the most.

I promise this will make more sense later.

You should support your local library. Speaking as someone with a pathological need to consume facts, stories and even how-to guides for things I’m never going to do (there is no reason for me to have read a book on French cooking when my main culinary influence is Chef Boyardee), the library is a great alternative to spending a week’s pay on Garfield comics.

I did not always feel that way about the library though. Continue reading

Life as a Plinko Chip

Plinko Video Game

Fun Fact: This is one of the worst video games I’ve ever played.

I live my life like a Plinko chip: I rarely end up where I meant to be and there’s usually not any money when I get there. However, if you can correctly guess the price of a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, you can throw me from the top of the stairs. Continue reading

A Brief Announcement Concerning Web Hosting

Over the weekend, I’m going to be migrating this site from it’s current location to dedicated web hosting. Service interruption should be minimal, but depending on when you show up, things might look weird. You’ve been warned.

You’ll know the move is complete because this post will be replaced by one about Plinko,


I'd be a lot more excited about taking out the trash if it went more like this.

You Can’t Win if You Don’t Play

The early version of the lottery machine was incredibly dangerous.

The early version of the lottery machine was incredibly dangerous.

I feel left out when people talk about what they’d do if they won the lottery, because I know I’m never going to win (it’s an unavoidable consequence of never playing). This is the part where I point out the odds of winning the lottery and how even if you do win it will ruin your life, but you know all that, so I’ll let you fill in the details. Instead, I’ve taken a moment to catalog exactly how it would ruin my life and, by extension, the lives of many around me. Continue reading

This works out much better than just wearing extra socks.

Die With Your Boots On

This works out much better than just wearing extra socks.

Take that, snow! I’ve got boots on this time!

When I feel like disappearing up my own ass, I think about the things I care about. I don’t mean family and friends–that’s boring. Saying you care about your family and the people around you is like saying your car is really good because it goes forward. It’s as close to saying nothing as you can get without using silence. Continue reading

I don't have a great picture to go here, so here's one of me eating waffle fries.

Staying Alive is a Lot of Work: Holiday Reflections

I don't have a great picture to go here, so here's one of me eating waffle fries.

I don’t have a great picture to go here, so here’s one of me eating waffle fries.

I’m a giant fucking production. At minimum, it takes me 8 pills and one injection to get ready to eat, which means it costs about $70 for me to even think about having dinner. (luckily I have insurance right now, so I’m not paying that directly). If I ever had to pay $70 for a meal, I’d crap myself in protest. Even if I decided not to eat today, it still costs roughly $60 for me to wake up. Sure, I could wake up and not do my pulmozyme, but it’s not worth it. Continue reading