In Response to National Library Week

 

Though it's nowhere near my favorite Friday the 13th movie, thanks to a family member's cable descrambler, it's the one I've seen the most.

I promise this will make more sense later.

You should support your local library. Speaking as someone with a pathological need to consume facts, stories and even how-to guides for things I’m never going to do (there is no reason for me to have read a book on French cooking when my main culinary influence is Chef Boyardee), the library is a great alternative to spending a week’s pay on Garfield comics.

I did not always feel that way about the library though. Continue reading

Life as a Plinko Chip

Plinko Video Game

Fun Fact: This is one of the worst video games I’ve ever played.

I live my life like a Plinko chip: I rarely end up where I meant to be and there’s usually not any money when I get there. However, if you can correctly guess the price of a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, you can throw me from the top of the stairs. Continue reading

A Brief Announcement Concerning Web Hosting

Over the weekend, I’m going to be migrating this site from it’s current WordPress.com location to dedicated web hosting. Service interruption should be minimal, but depending on when you show up, things might look weird. You’ve been warned.

You’ll know the move is complete because this post will be replaced by one about Plinko,

Jay

I'd be a lot more excited about taking out the trash if it went more like this.

You Can’t Win if You Don’t Play

The early version of the lottery machine was incredibly dangerous.

The early version of the lottery machine was incredibly dangerous.

I feel left out when people talk about what they’d do if they won the lottery, because I know I’m never going to win (it’s an unavoidable consequence of never playing). This is the part where I point out the odds of winning the lottery and how even if you do win it will ruin your life, but you know all that, so I’ll let you fill in the details. Instead, I’ve taken a moment to catalog exactly how it would ruin my life and, by extension, the lives of many around me. Continue reading

This works out much better than just wearing extra socks.

Die With Your Boots On

This works out much better than just wearing extra socks.

Take that, snow! I’ve got boots on this time!

When I feel like disappearing up my own ass, I think about the things I care about. I don’t mean family and friends–that’s boring. Saying you care about your family and the people around you is like saying your car is really good because it goes forward. It’s as close to saying nothing as you can get without using silence. Continue reading

I don't have a great picture to go here, so here's one of me eating waffle fries.

Staying Alive is a Lot of Work: Holiday Reflections

I don't have a great picture to go here, so here's one of me eating waffle fries.

I don’t have a great picture to go here, so here’s one of me eating waffle fries.

I’m a giant fucking production. At minimum, it takes me 8 pills and one injection to get ready to eat, which means it costs about $70 for me to even think about having dinner. (luckily I have insurance right now, so I’m not paying that directly). If I ever had to pay $70 for a meal, I’d crap myself in protest. Even if I decided not to eat today, it still costs roughly $60 for me to wake up. Sure, I could wake up and not do my pulmozyme, but it’s not worth it. Continue reading

Bills, Bills, Bills

Here’s my main CF related problem right now: I’m sick enough to not want to go to work, but not sick enough to justify it to myself. I don’t earn a lot of sick time, so I don’t want to waste it on lungs that feel like they’re coated in a layer of dried pancake batter (wet cement or GTFO). I could get a leave that would enable me to call out using vacation time, but I burn a lot of that on doctor’s appointments anyway—I have three within the next month. I could probably work out a deal where I call out unpaid, but I have $700 worth of medical bills on my desk from those doctor’s appointments I used my vacation time on. There’s nothing Earth shattering happening right now, just a bunch of shit I don’t feel like dealing with. Maybe it’d be easier if I could breathe. Continue reading

Being a diabetic vampire means I have to check the blood sugar of my victims.

So It’s Come to This: A Halloween Clip Show

Being a diabetic vampire means I have to check the blood sugar of my victims.

Being a diabetic vampire means I have to check the blood sugar of my victims.

I meant to write a ton of pieces for Halloween, but making the “Genetic Decree” song/video took much longer than expected. So instead, enjoy this handy guide to all the Halloween crap I’ve made over the years. Continue reading

I know I called out the Nightmare Returns jacket earlier, but there's nothing wrong with this one either.

Alice Cooper as the Monster Under Pop Culture’s Bed: 15 Versions of “Eighteen”

Through his cameo in Wayne's World, Alice kicked through my proverbial sternum and into my heart.

Through his cameo in Wayne’s World, Alice kicked through my proverbial sternum and into my heart.

The last few times I’ve seen Alice Cooper, he’s been opening for another act. An appropriate reaction would be “Why?”, but watch Alice open a show and it becomes clear: He’s hungry. He loves to hide under other people’s beds—Rob Zombie, Marilyn Manson and Motley Crue—and drag their assembled masses into his nightmare for a little while.

The nightmare has had to adapt a lot over the years. Alice doesn’t receive the same “chameleon” praise afforded to Bowie because although Alice has changed throughout the years, he remains distinctly himself, acting not like a chameleon, but as a snake, shedding his skin, wrapping around your neck, squeezing just hard enough to scare you.

Continue reading

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Halloween Resurrection Non-Fan Fiction

This is the face I made through the entire movie.

This is the face I made through the entire movie.

Thinking that I might have been too harsh on it in it’s initial release, I recently rewatched Halloween Resurrection. I was hoping it would be entertainingly bad; instead, it was so bad that my tv doesn’t turn on anymore. I have to assume my TV would rather die than have to display that movie again, even if it was just to see if the commentary track had an apology on it.

Continue reading