Here’s another batch of 3rd grade journal entries. If you missed the first round, you can catch up on them here. Again, these are reproduced as close to their original form—errors and all—as can be.
Sept. 3, 1991
This morning I felt like it was a plan day. Was there ever a cyborg invented? How did the dinoseurs die? What cases a tornado? I don’t want to learn cersef. I don’t want to learn times. I don’t want to learn about the hoilydays
Teacher: You have some interesting questions. Hopefully we can find some answers!
This is the first journal entry and I believe the teacher asked us what we’d like to learn. While I’ve since switched my position on the importance of multiplication, I maintain that cursive was a complete waste of time.
And I still hate the fucking holidays.
Today I brought my watch. It’s black water resist up to a 100 ft. I told my grandpa to try and fix the date. As he was doing that he messed up the time. I asked him to fix the time. He couldn’t. I did.
Teacher: You did! I don’t remember seeing it. Did you show it to me? Are you wearing it now?
No I didn’t show it to you. Yes I have it on now.
Apparently I thought I was gifted because I was able to program a digital watch. If I was so damn smart, why didn’t I just fix the date myself?
Today I brought my comic book colletion. My bookbag is full of comic books. It was HEAVY. I could hardly carry it. I have so many I left them in my back pack.
Teacher: You have a great collection! Thanks for sharing it! I enjoyed reading them!
I can’t completely guarantee it, but I’m pretty sure I brought a copy of The Dark Knight Returns in that day, as it was a cornerstone of my collection. However, I was probably smart enough to keep that one away from the teacher.
Saturday I might go see WWF werstling. My dad said they were sold out of tickets. But they had the tickets. My dad is always like that. I said I want front row.
Teacher: If tickets are hard to come by – I doubt you’ll have front row seats! Good luck and have fun!
I did get tickets to wwf. I saw Ric Flair, Roddy Piper, Bret “The Hitman” Hart, Legion of Doom And lots more. There was one match that was relly good. Sgt. Slaughter use to be on the Iraq side found His sense came back to U.S.A. He fought an Iraqien. The Iraqien expected Amairicans to rise to the Iraq national anthem no body rose.
Teacher: I’m not very familiar with W.W.F. but they certainly have some interesting names! What happened when no one rose for the Iranian’s anthem?
He said will you stupid people shutup!
Teacher: Did you have front row seat?
I couldn’t spell Colonel Mustafa, so I went with a word I did know how to spell: Iraqien.
And while the teacher claims to not be familiar with the WWF, she seems to know that Col. Mustafa was billed as hailing from Iraq, but is indeed from Iran. She must’ve been an Iron Sheik freak from back in the day.
Saturday I went to see Waynes World. It very funny. I liked it very much. And I took a trip to Virginia Beach to see my cosin and my aunt. While I was down there my aunt’s car broke down
Teacher: How was Virginia Beach? Was it warm?
Teacher: Were you in your aunt’s car when it broke down?
The fact that I saw Wayne’s World pays off later.
Today I have a doctors appointment. The Doctor is in New Haven. I have to go evrey 3 months. And it is not fun!!!!!
Teacher: I bet it isn’t. Does the doctor do a check-up, give shots or run tests? (I circled “check-up” because I was too lazy to write it.) Do you do anything special after your appointment?
There was one time we went to a seafood restaurant after my appointment and from that moment on I was disappointed every time we didn’t go. Hence the emphatic “NO.”
At 2:15 my mom found out that my appointment wasen’t at 3:00 it was at 2:00. She could’nt belive it.
Teacher: Oh no! What did you do?
We went anyways.
We can’t be held back by your “scheduled appointments” or “cancellation policies.”
Today I got the shock of my life. My moms day off and shes up at seven o’clock. Ushlaul shes up at 11:0 on days off. I was amazed, shocked I almost passed out
Teacher: Did you tell her that?
I talked a lot of shit back then, but these days I don’t wake up until at least 2pm.
My grandma got a new tv. But theres one problem My Nintendo is’nt hooked up! And the vcr isn’t hooked up! The cable man is going to hook it up today. It’s about time!
Teacher: What did you do w/ yourself w/o Nintendo?
Not a lot.
Seriously, go back and watch children’s television from that era–it was fucking terrible. I needed that Nintendo.
My mom was a Big help in my home work. Not!! She did nothing, I did it all. I worked on it for more than a hour. 8:00-8:45 5:00-6:00 + 7:00-7:20
Teacher: Good for you! How much time did you spend altogether?
2 hours and ten min.
And there’s the Wayne’s World payoff. Also, I think I’m the king of homework here, but check my math on how much time I spent on it.
I got a check in the mail for 200.00. My mom Was going to use it to pay a bill but the people who sent the check won’t let her.
Teacher: What did you get a check for?
This is the $200 check from the Whale Watching story in Can’t Eat…. The reason I don’t answer the teacher here is because I’ve already realized that we will not be using the money for a Super Nintendo and I’m too depressed to write about it.
Happy April fools day! Not! Just kidding! I didn’t play any Jokes today. I prefer being sarcastic. Anyway I have no trick soap.
Teacher: I prefer sarcasism (SP?) myself!
And here I am showing off a word I learned from an episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I have no idea why I’m being such a dick about trick soap.
Yesterday I watched Wrestlemania VIII on PPV. And in the Sid Justice vs. Hulk Hogan THE RETURN Of THE ULTIMATEWARRIOR.
Teacher: Were they good?
Yes. They were great.
Were they good? What kind of question is that? Did she miss the part where the Ultimate Warrior returned?
- The More Things Change… (canteatcantbreathe.com)